Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
