whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
