We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
