We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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