remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
FUCK WHALES
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
