Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
they need to just BURY HIM!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
