You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
