By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
