I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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