Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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