My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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