apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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