well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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