Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
