Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
