Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
