the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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