Someone shit on the floor
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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