This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
