I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
