So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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