every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
