I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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