I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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