you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
