Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
