Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
