It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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