I wish my penis had an off switch
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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