this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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