you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
