Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I want her autograph on my taint
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
