I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
