I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I need to stop coming to work sober
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
