Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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