Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
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Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
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He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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