just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
