Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
