Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
