Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
