i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
