I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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