i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
