It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have fence marks all over my body
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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