I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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