last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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