Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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