Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't deserve a penis
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
