You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
