How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
