dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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