Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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