im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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